Obviously the whole experience was quite amazing. But not without its many set backs. Recent events have unfortunately left quite a bitter taste in my mouth.
Nervously I began school- I was pretty over my head a lot of the time. Never done tap, hip hop, not any jazz in their style, never done RAD ballet.. but off I went. After 6 months I got changed to the Diploma class to 'catch up'. This was the best year I had. I learned so much more. The pace was better for my level. I got to actually experience class rather than it passing me by. I fell in love with a lot of stuff. It was challenging and scary and hard. Then at the end of the year I was awarded a Diligence award and put back into the Advanced class.
During all this, I went though a break up, was homeless and jobless for a while. My friend Bridie and her mum looked after me. Kept me alive with a roof over my head. I ate once a day ad forced myself to be hungry the rest of the 24 hours. I smoked way too many cigarettes and drank coke. And couldn't sleep. I was not looking after myself.
I was not where near the best- I struggled to be advanced. Even with the years behind me, I realsised I'm not that. I am something different. But this did get in the way of how I trained. I lost my passion. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go and find myself. I had been too weak to take the criticism/bullying. I kept falling apart. I had no energy. I wasn't eating properly, but still I wasn't slim enough to be accepted as great. So when I lost 8-10kg after some hard times I started getting compliments.
By then I met the love of my life, Russ. He had his shit together. He showed me how wrong I was about how I was treating my body, (even though I already knew, I wasn't showing it!) and helped my get into a much better routine. we got engaged 6 weeks later. No biggie.
The first half of 2016 was so tough. I was juggling being in school, which I was finding hard as my confidence was always at an all time low, as well as doing my best to re-build my life and destroy my self-destructing poor life habits! (I quit smoking and started eating well)I was working 2 jobs- 4 nights a week and my only day off. I had no time to myself. When I went home after school I was sleeping before work. I was totally depressed and lost. I hated myself and school and work. I wanted so bad to leave. Jump to week 2 term 3, first class, exam work- I was SO EXCITED! I loved exam work. I loved working on technique and having the opportunity to nail routines. (On that note- I never really nailed it. No matter what I put in. I practiced a lot. But I always fell below the mark! More on this later) I land on my knee. And it's all over.
I can't dance. I go through the hoops of getting it looked at- appointments, MRI, follow ups, phone calls from school accusing me of 'milking' my injury. Which is kinda fucked as inside I wanted to leave, but I wasn't going to I paid in advance!! Then the hoops of getting an meeting to resign from the course too way too long, to many names called, and accusations. It was beyond poor business. Then I started working full time. 5 months later I have to CHASE my refund ($2000) that was rightfully owed to me. I learned to fend for myself, to be strong and get what I deserve. I won. Although I believe any relationship I may have had is now gone- this was not my fault. I move on.
During the injury I began running. I had people telling me it's the worst thing I could do blah blah blah. It saved me. It kept me fit, I gained physical strength, the mental strength I gained has to be the biggest part. I have overcome so many of my demons. I have discovered a love for myself, I am able to shut down unwelcome thoughts. This will ultimately make me a better dancer. Not to mention the muscle development in my glutes! Something I always lacked! And now I like running. :)
I focused on my upper body at the gym. Building strength and toning. Refining my diet and gaining all control over my life. I am in the best place I have ever been in and heading towards success! No one can walk over me anymore. No one.
I am reading books (at least one a month), practicing yoga, running, working out, meditating and about to begin back at casual dance classes. Still have to be careful on the knee. All this in between working 40 hours on my feet, training as a barista, and paying off my debts. I have plans and dreams for the future. And I won't stop.
I have been through hell and back. Lived in 9 places in 2 and a half years. Been left alone. Homeless. To loved. To engaged. To beaten down. To empowered. And this is the place I'm never leaving. Empowered. Aware. Love.
I will write here. Share ideas. Be creative. And keep my life updated.
Its good to be back. Xx
